Avoid marrying a Thai lady that has a policeman boyfriend

We really got to feel for this fellow … down to his last few pennies, living on mashed potatoes and beer, and WHAM…..

69 Year Old Briton Murdered by Thai Wife

Drunken Dining

One of the best things I’ve read all week – I can’t possibly top this fine reporting at The Onion:- Phantom Diner Appears Only To Those In Their Drunkest Hour

Surviving the Economic Downturn with King Robert

My Thai hooker friend turned me on to this very fine brand of spirits. Not only is it cost effective – but it’s available at all fine 7-11’s throughout Hong Kong!!!

Its not as bad as you might think!!

One guy worth emulating

Reading the July 7-14 issue of the New Yorker last night a came across this story in the Back Pages Dept written by Nick Paumgarten. Chip Taylor – a true crapweasal man in every sense:

“If you had stumbled into Banjo Jim’s, in the East Village, on a recent Wednesday night and encountered a sixty-something guy leading a band through a fervent rendition of “Wild Thing,” for an audience of two dozen or so, you might have concluded, “This is lame,” and slipped back out the door. But it wasn’t lame, because the sixty-something guy was Chip Taylor, who wrote “Wild Thing,” among many other hit songs, both country and rock—“Angel of the Morning,” “Try (Just a Little Bit Harder)”—and who has, at various times, rounded out the royalties with his earnings as a professional gambler, and who also happens to be the brother of the actor Jon Voight, which makes him an uncle to Angelina Jolie. So here was a man who can perform “Wild Thing” whenever and however he likes.

Taylor’s biography is an odd one, even in the misfit pantheon of great country songwriters. First off, he’s from Yonkers. His father, Elmer Voight, was the head pro at a golf club in Scarsdale, who liked to tell his three sons (the third brother, Barry, is a prominent volcanologist) that he was an undercover agent for the F.B.I. As a boy, Taylor and some friends started a country band, and when he was sixteen he was signed by King Records. A few years later, he got a job writing country songs for the publishing arm of Columbia Records. Chet Atkins, the guitar player and head A. & R. man at RCA Records in Nashville, took a shine to a song he’d written and, not quite believing that its composer could be from New York, asked to see everything he wrote. This enabled Taylor to give up a nascent gig as a professional golfer (hence the stage name Chip—he’d holed out from off the green several Sundays in a row) and settle into a career as a Brill Building songwriter, turning out hits for Willie Nelson, Waylon Jennings, Jackie DeShannon, Evie Sands, and Emmylou Harris, among many others.

Each day, he’d ride the train down from Yonkers to compose in a cubicle on the second floor of 1650 Broadway. At quitting time, he’d go to the printer’s to pick up the next day’s racing form, commute home (wife, children, house—the full catastrophe), study the form, pick two or three horses, and call them in the next morning. It was a fine living. His winning percentage was very high, and most bookies—except, he says, Meyer Lansky, who piggybacked on Taylor’s picks—stopped taking his bets. In 1981, Taylor quit the music business to focus on the gambling, partnering with the legendary horse handicapper Ernie Dahlman. They worked together out of an OTB in Hauppauge, on Long Island. Taylor also learned to count cards and win at blackjack; eventually the Atlantic City casinos banned him. He took up songwriting and recording again twelve years ago, and these days he writes music and plays the horses, sometimes simultaneously, in his apartment, on East Fifty-fourth Street.

Taylor was at Banjo Jim’s to celebrate the release of his latest album, “New Songs of Freedom.” Among the guests was his ex-ex-wife, Joanie, whom he remarried two months ago, in Las Vegas. Earlier, he played a song that he wrote for her in 1956, “Little Joan,” and she stood by the bar, beaming. She had come into the city from Westchester with a couple of girlfriends, and was hurrying home after the show. Married or not, she and Taylor don’t live together. “It works,” she said. “He goes out to dinner at ten. I go to bed at eight. My son-in-law said, ‘I hope this marriage doesn’t ruin your wonderful divorce.’ ”

Whatever doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger

Apologies to all, for having missed the opportunity to post on the anniversary of Jim Morrison’s death 9 days ago. I’ve been battling some evil demons in Wan Chai over the last 6 weeks, and am finally starting to draw some sober breaths today. Now if only I can find that wagon, I fear it has left without me.

Anyway, back to Mr Mojo Rising. Morrison was more than a poet, songwriter and a performer. He was a very fine drunk. Classic line kids if you haven’t heard it – What is the difference was between a drunk and an alcoholic, Just grin and reply, “us drunks don’t have to go to meetings.”

Avoiding Liver Damage (according to an amatuer)

Got this piece of spam from a well meaning friend yesterday. Advice to avoiding impairing one’s liver  according to this health-food nut. Most of these causes seem pretty retarded if you ask me, but I can’t imagine how they missed the big one?

The main causes of liver damage are:

1. Sleeping too late and waking up too late are main cause.
2. Not urinating in the morning.
3. Too much eating.
4. Skipping breakfast.
5. Consuming too much medication.
6. Consuming too much preservatives, additives, food coloring, and artificial sweetener.
7. Consuming unhealthy cooking oil. As much as possible reduce cooking oil use when frying, which includes even the best cooking oils like olive oil. Do not consume fried foods when you are tired, except if the body is very fit.
8. Consuming raw (overly done) foods also add to the burden of liver.

Maintaining good eating habits and time condition are very important for our bodies to absorb and get rid of unnecessary chemicals according to ’schedule.’

Whiskey and 50

After a brutal campaign in Wan Chai this weekend, I was wondering why the hangovers seem to be getting worse. Could it be my age? After a hour googling the internet in an attempt to get some useful information on hangovers and the effect of booze on old men, I came across this quote from Faulkner and decided to do nothing.

There is no such thing as bad whiskey. Some whiskeys just happen to be better than others. But a man shouldn’t fool with booze until he’s fifty; then he’s a damn fool if he doesn’t.

Professor

Tip Lavishly at your Watering Hole

In Hong Kong, a tip is not always expected as a service charge is generally included.
However, this custom is certainly to be avoided when out on a bender, or at your favorite pub such as Amazonia in Wan Chai, Hong Kong.
Yes, this may seem obvious, but you would not be surprised at the number of cheap cretins that
think nothing of consuming a dozen or so Carlsburgs, buy a half-dozen Puta Margaritas, and leave nothing
for the hard-working servers!  Don’t be a doucebag – tip your waitress.

Lesson 10 – Memorise a bit of Poetry

Guys, we have often found it’s useful to pull out of your ass a bit of poetry at the precisely right moment. Although it may be a bit harder than memorising a good Irish joke, classic poetry can show how sensitive and literary you are to your date.

For today, we’ll start with a popular one from E.E Cummings, This one can be useful for wedding toasts, funerals, or just trying to get some.

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate,my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Lesson 9. If you want to be happy for the rest of your life…

Never make a pretty woman your wife! take it from my personal point of view – get an ugly girl to marry you.

Dedicated to all those fine people in the Glory Days of RSD – Vincent, Justin, Sham, Kumar, Gondo, Mikey, Brad, Reggie, et al…

Lession 8. Life’s a Piece of Shit and that’s it

The professor has been on a very strict budget and is once again on the wagon. So what’s one to do when down and troubled and need a helping hand … YOUTUBE!! Tons of great stuff from Monty Python on YouTube. We recommend that your top “to-do” for today at work is to whistle the song “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life” as your enter and exit any meeting.

Lesson 7. Learn a quote from the Good Book

Every once in a while, someone comes along and thinks you need saving. Perhaps its your shabby look, that smell of booze leaking out of your pores from last nights bender – and some do-gooder decides what you need is more religion. I’ve found that there are plenty of Bible verses that are suitable for drunks like us. Here’s one that they never quote you:

Give strong drink unto him that is ready to perish, and wine unto those that be of heavy hearts. Let him drink, and forget his poverty, and remember his misery no more. Proverbs 31:06-07

Lesson 6. Do Not Dance Like Nobody is Watching. Really. We Mean It!

Not sure who came up with tis dribble – Dance like there is nobody watching. But for the love of Moses, please do not dance in Amazonia (infamous Wan Chai bar that is now on the decline as some tosser has seen fit to mention it in the Douchebag Eurotrashers Guide to Hong Kong). It is not cool. After a truly awful day at the track, I stopped round ol’ Amazonia for a cocktail to drown my stupid tierce selections, and the small dance floor was crowed with all sorts of middle-aged cretins dancing to Led Zep, The Clash, and Queen. This was such a gruesome sight, I quickly downed my JD and bolted for the door. As soon as I found a suitable quiet environment for reflection, I quickly called Dr Bunnga for advice. Unable to reach him – some polar expedition I am told, I trotted over to the Fire House. Dr Randy – Where are you ? Your the only white guy I know that can hold his own on the Dance Floor… Good Band, Ice Box, but the blokes dancing…words fail me.

Lesson 5. Expect the Worst and You Won’t Be Disappointed

What could have been a very fine day at the Sha Tin Race course, turned into misery as my key banker of the day – ANKH MORPORK in the 8th race, had his second placing thrown out in the stewards room due to interference.

As one of my favourite author’s instructs us: There will always be something to ruin our lives, it all depends on what or which finds us first. We are always ripe and ready to be taken.

Of course, a more sensible gentleman would have been doing his washing and ironing and preparing for his trip to Tokyo tomorrow. I on the other hand, having lost all sense and sensibility sometime during war (or was it sars?), chose to get my hopes up on winning what might have been fine Quinella. So lesson du jour, dear reader’s – don’t expect much and after a crappy day at the Races – don’t go home via Wan Chai, where there is a good chance you will be taken again.

Listen to Bo Diddley – Trust No One

Many of us heard this week of the passing of Bo Diddley. After months of failing health, guitarist Bo Diddley died at age 79 on Monday. In addition to being a Rock N Roll legend, Bo gave us a heap of good advice. One of our favorites, is particularly useful as we build our book of Life’s Lessons. Bo tells us “Don’t trust nobody but your mama. And even then, look at her real good.”

Men – Invest in a Crapweasal!!!

It’s coming up on a year since a fine Crapweasal was added to my wardrobe. Thanks to the generosity of the good Dr. Bungga, I am now able to attend many social events that I never thought possible.

As documented in a very fine site called Timeless Classics: the crapweasal is unmatched in it’s flexibility; it pairs well with khakis, grey wool trousers, black slacks, broadcloth, oxfords, red/yellow/cornflower/power ties, turtlenecks, sweater vests, and any number of other similarly boring and unobtrusive options that are perfectly acceptable for occasions that require a man to look presentable. You will complement any female you are with, be it your mother, your co-worker, or your date.

Lesson 3. Stop Buying Self Help Books

My God, can it get any worse than this:

Are You Ready to Be Awakened? Oprah Winfrey’s new book club selection is Eckhart Tolle’s A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose. There are hundreds of blogs about this tripe!

Please, please, please – start enriching your mind people! This nonsense they are selling only serves to line their pockets as they pander to one’s hope for a quick fix :- the effortless “new you.” One does not need to read “The Five People You’ll Meet in Heaven”, “Awakening”, “Who Moved My Cheese”, or that worst one of all: Emotional Intelligence - the Fascinating theory of self-actualization!

I was so worked up about the pap they are selling at my local Dymocks in Soho – I rang up Dr. Randy Bungga for his Top 5 Favorite Books for Self Improvement. Here they are, although I confess I may have had one too many G&T’s to get the order correct:

1. Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger

2. LOLITA by Vladimir Nabokov

3. A Fan’s Notes by Frederick Exeley

4. Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel García Márquez’

5. A Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole

Coping with Inflation

If you were like me this week,and was horrified at the prices at your local Wellcome, welcome to the inflationary new world! I’m not sure how many of you are coping – but for today’s inspirational word, let me leave you with a quote Randy Bungga gave me over a pint at McSorleys:

“It’s easy to halve the potato where there’s love.” Dr Randy claims it’s an old Irish proverb.

Misery is almost always the result of thinking too much

Our Guest post today is from Dr. Randy Bungga:

I’m sure who said the above, but it’s a lesson many of us have learned in dealing with the Filipinos. Some would say is a miserable country, fully of poverty, corruption, and misery But ask any Filipina what their secret to happiness is – and the answer, 11 times out of 13 will be – I don’t think so much!

And what dear reader – are you thinking about right now? Why yourself probably! Stop it .. Lose the ego !! it’s not about you! And stop listening to pop music. As Rob Gordon so well put it in High Fidelity: What came first, the music or the misery? So turn off that silly ipod, turn off the TV, and think about the Top 5 things you can do this week to help someone else.

The mind is the master over every kind of fortune… being the cause of its own happiness and misery. Seneca

How to Win Friends

In actual fact, nobody really cares or thinks about anything but themselves. Just about everyone you deal with – at work, at school, or in the shopping mall – is just as self-absorbed as you!!!

So, if you want people to like you, respect you, or even shag you, just remember this: It’s not about you. It’s about them. Always, all the time, and forever, it’s about them. Do not ever (and I mean ever), talk about yourself, your dogs, or what inane TV show you watched last night.

Would you like to make friends with someone? Attract more members of the opposite sex? Be more liked by your boss? Ask them how their health is! They will talk for hours about their problems. Aching backs, migraines, haemorrhoids, high blood pressure…the list never ends. Surveys by the esteemed Dr. Randy Bungga have shown that 8 out of 11 people think they are suffering more than anyone they know, and 3 out of the 11 think they have an incurable disease.